forbiddencharm: (goldsworthy cracked stones)
( Jan. 14th, 2007 03:45 am)
well, i had a very nice birthday party, even if quite a few people i had hoped to see didn't make it. (no reflection on those of you who told me you couldn't!). i'm planning on a big old party once i finish my quals (either pro or con), so those folks can make it up to me then! it's funny, i don't feel that old. last year i felt old, but this year i don't. wonder why? sneezy, yes but old, no. the cafe was nice, as always, it was a decent turnout if not spectacular, and i think a good time was had by all. i got a couple of nice cards, a really bad book, and a nice bottle of gin, which sadly i don't really drink (does anyone like gin much? it was a nice thought though!) i feel just the same as always, which has sort of always been about 22. i've always felt that most people have a mental age, the age they were born to be and at which people will always treat them, and mine is right at 22. it's not a bad age, it's old enough for reason and young enough to have fun with it! but that may be drunken ramblings, for which i humbly apologize.
i had a long conversation with trinnie today about the transition she and her boyfriend have been going through, moving from a long distance relationship (her in london, him here) to a local one. and something she said really clarifies the sort of ambiguous feelings i have about going to visit tristan. i know i'll have a wonderful time, and yet i'm afraid things will be very awkward. i really want to see him, because things clicked so loudly the last time i did, but i really don't want to, and i hadn't been sure why before.

we're always to some extent constructing each other in our heads- when we understand what a friend (or significant other) is thinking without their saying anything, when we seek to understand the hidden motivations behind their actions, and even when we piece together each others' personal histories, we are creating the other person in a way that they might not always agree with. those situations are usually simple, and changed easily, especially as you spend more time together- the better you know someone, the more your construction of them matches their understanding of themself. but because tristan left the country right after we met, i've been building him in my head since then, with only limited interaction to produce changes. so the tristan i meet once i get there may well be very different from the tristan i think it will be (and of course vice versa). which means that it could go very well, but it could also go horribly. and there's NO WAY to tell before i get there how it will go, because without the facial and tonal input, it's easy (especially for even a former linguist) to interpret an email any damn way i please.

this is really interesting to me, because obviously the people who should be best at having their head match the other persons' are married couples, and this might just be the place where a lot of marriages break down- when what you understand of the other person is no longer who they are, then you can't communicate with them anymore. so you grow farther apart without realizing it, because you think they're still who you thought they were so you're not actually talking to who they are. it also explains how/why some people can stay in a failing marriage, because they are unwilling to allow their construction of their partner to change. intriguing.

of course, possibly the extreme lack of sleep is making me think odd thoughts, so i'm off to test that theory by sleeping for ten hours. perhaps then i shall revisit this thought process. oh- and the upshot is, i should give over being nervous, because there's nothing i can do about it until the VERY MOMENT i get there, at which point it will all be resolved anyway.
forbiddencharm: (Default)
( Jun. 22nd, 2005 08:59 pm)
i ran into a girl i met at the dig in turkey last summer while working at the presidio this week. and, despite the fact that i spent the better part of a month in a room with her and at most two other people for several hours a day, i couldn't figure out why she looked familiar until someone TOLD me that she'd been in turkey. it's amazing how much context helps with identification! i literally stared at her for a good five minutes, thinking 'damn, where do i know her from?' and coming up with nothing, all because she was in a completely different situation from the one i associate her with. very odd. and mysterious. i wonder how many people i run back into that i don't recognize because they're out of context? i also wonder if this is just a weakness in my personal recognition skills or if it's a universal thing.
just watched return of the jedi, and i have to say, while i still say the movies should go 4,5,6,3, having watched the fall of anakin in 3 makes his redemption in 6 much more meaningful.

spoke to kristin today. she's going on a biking trip with her fiancee and his family once school lets out for the summer, and is very excited. he's a nice fellow, and i think they'll do well together- but i wonder, is it wrong that i'm completely not jealous of her at all? with most of my friends, when they get married, i'm just a touch jealous- not that i want the grooms, but that i want that kind of emotion, that feeling of wanting so much to be with each other. and with kris- i don't get that. is this a failure in me, or in what i see of her relationship? i mean, i love kris, and i'm glad she's completely happy with what she has, but i would hate to live her life- there is not one single thing i would not change about it. and part of that is that her relationship with brennan seems very- still. i don't get a feeling of great passion from her- hell, i don't get a feeling of ANY passion from her. i- well, i guess i feel a little guilty in a very odd way. huh.
forbiddencharm: (kaylee: light)
»

huh

( Jan. 29th, 2005 12:44 am)
an odd day. an odd week. generally, oddness all around.

dropped caton off at the airport and en route we went to the winchester mystery house. i have to say, for all the buildup it has, the place is not all that. i mean, it's neat and all, stairs to the ceiling, doors to nowhere, the whole idea of a crazy old rich lady building her house for forty-odd years to keep the spirits happy. but it's not worth a twenty (!!) dollar entrance fee, and the tour assumes that you want to know about the old lady. and let's be honest, the interesting thing is the freakish architecture and the ghosts that are supposed to be there. the tour guide was a hoot though--an old guy who told us bizarre side stories about drug use in the 60s and how his mother had to ask his father for permission to leave the house. and he giggled!

i have a blind date tomorrow. sort of. rachel asked me on tuesday to do her a favor, which favor was agreeing to be set up with a friend of friends. i met the friends at thanksgiving, and apparently when the set-up asked about being set up, they decided on me. not sure how i feel about all of this. i mean, i'm not meeting men what with all the time i spend studying, but i'm also not sure if i like the idea of being set up. especially since it's apparently on the strength of a brief conversation during which they were both drunk, and my being able to speak irish (they being irish). and, i don't know, the way it was approached, i feel like rachel doesn't think it could possibly work out, like it's more in the nature of helping him to practice dating. i-- just don't know. i will report when i get home tomorrow though!

it's all made me think about the process of dating. figuring it out here is more problematic than one might think, all grad schools apparently not being created equal. i'm sick of being single. it's been, what, two and a half years since my last real relationship? i don't count phil, summer fling, and caton, well, whatever you could call that, a real relationship is not it! but stanford is so- difficult. i'm still trying to figure out how the social networks work here, since they're not as department based, and thus in a way harder to negotiate. people who have social skills go somewhere (as yet undetermined) off campus to do things, and people without them go to the campus events. and ok, yeah, i like slightly geeky guys, but social skills are a must. as is an interest in bathing. funny to have to make that statement, i had previously assumed that all people above a certain age and education level knew about bathing but at halloween, i learned this to be untrue. gak. i feel as though i need to venture into the non-academic world to meet people, but i don't know how they do things out there!

probably time to stop, as i have apparently moved from amused to grumpy. wish me luck tomorrow!
yesterday i moved another step closer to the next decadal birthday, yet i feel strangely serene. it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to turn thirty, or to be thirty. possibly i'll feel differently when the time comes, but at the moment i'm feeling like i've learned so much in the last ten years that i wouldn't want to be so young ever again. unless i could take everything i've done with me-- because damn, could i have set that school on fire if i'd known then what i know now! but probably not even then. and of course there would then be the issue of paradox, because if i already knew then what i know now, i would do things differently and those experiences would never have happened. would they then still be real, if i was the only one who remembered them? and, while i wouldn't be giving up my memories, i would be giving up the chance to know the people i know now-- again, i'm not sure if it would be worthwhile. the eternal question of the trousers of time, and which of me would be happier. but this is silly speculation!

in other news, i had my first dinner party in the new apartment last night. i think it was a rousing success. eight people came over for fondue (cheese, meat, AND chocolate), and we ate from about eight to about one. lots of food. lots. really, hard to describe the quantity. the cheese turned out way better than when i made it for my folks (i think i've FINALLY figured out the right amount of corn starch), but still not quite as good as at johanna's. the meat was up there, might have been the best i've made, and the chocolate went all funny- i used a box but then added grand marnier, and i think the combination just doesn't work. next time i'll try to get some melting pot chocolate, it seems to take the alcohol better. i was a little worried about the mix, mostly stanford folks but with a couple of others thrown in, but i think everyone had fun, and they seem to have gotten along pretty well. i finally got the bench and folding chairs from ikea, and not only do are they pretty comfortable to sit on, but those chairs fit into that bench as though it had been made to hold them. overall, i don't think i could have done it better if i had designed it myself.
forbiddencharm: (Default)
( Sep. 11th, 2004 12:41 am)
wow, i live in california! still having a hard time realizing this, especially since i've spent the last week holed up in my apartment taking things out of boxes. i hate boxes with a fiery passion, but am almost finished. who knew i had so much crap? actually, i think almost everyone because it's impossible to not move for five years and not have a lot of crap. nonetheless! i think i did well on the apartment for finding it from turkey, it's pretty big and in a not too horrible neighborhood.

the drive out here was--interesting. did it in six days with a day in kansas to visit family, and it was long, tiring and boring. plus, five mechanics in five states. i have to say, i was impressed with their willingness to fit me into the schedule whenever i had to stop. also, probably not a brilliant idea to drive across country in a car you know you're only going to keep for another year or so. on the plus side, i did not kill my mother, who, while i love her very much, can be a trial to me. i think 24 hours a day for a week is too much togetherness for almost anyone i've ever known, and she's no exception to that rule. a very good test of a relationship is travel.

have been out with caton three times since i got here, and am completely and utterly unsure as to where the thing is going. i'm not even sure where i want it to go--he's so much fun to play with but i really don't know him well. not used to that, not at all. i mean, in so many ways he's wrong wrong wrong for me, but in so many others he's oddly right. it's a strange position to be in, four really intense days and then three months of lots of email but, as specifically stated, no ties. now i feel like i know him pretty well but at the same time i don't, and i don't know how he thinks-- so very good at presenting an open public face (i've never known anyone with so little shame- i don't think he really knows the meaning of the word!) and simultaneously at keeping things inside. having been burned last time by a girl who got too involved too quick, he asked how i'd feel if i saw him hitting on someone else next week. how do you respond to that? i have no hold over him, but it's not like anyone will ever be pleased to see someone they want, someone they've been fooling around with, hitting on someone else! i'm not entirely sure what response he was looking for either, which puts me in a very girlish circle of 'what deep psychological need had him asking this' and/or 'is this because he's already planning to move on?', probably not good for the head so i'm putting it aside. i said i'd probably be ok with it next week but not after a couple of weeks, which i think is pretty reasonable (in that if we continue as we have been for a couple of weeks, the word 'boyfriend' would be pretty applicable and would thus leave allowable anger, although i think i'm more likely to tend towards hurt anyway), but leaves out the fine distinction of distance. i wouldn't be mad at him per se if he were hitting on someone next week, when we're still in an in-between-y stage, but i'd also not be so willing to be with him. does withdrawal count as a reaction? and i'm getting back into that cycle so i'll move on.

i'm going onto campus to visit the bookstore next week and am super excited about classes starting. it's always strange to go back to class, especially after a few years when i really didn't have many, but i think this should be fun. i've got some good things on my schedule including 'the archaeology of death'. i still can't get over the fact that there are palm trees here, yippee! i must off to bed now, the very last unpacking should be done my tomorrow, or the end of the weekend at the latest. how i long for that moment!
forbiddencharm: (Default)
( Nov. 15th, 2003 02:14 pm)
i don't know, i'm lethargic. there are things i should be doing, and yet i don't want to do them. there are things i NEED to do, and yet i can't care that i'm not doing them. i know one day of nothing is not much in the grand scheme of things, but i feel as if this is a sign-- i need some time off, and i can't see getting any in the near future. too much to get done for the near future, i can't concentrate on the farther future, until it bites me in the ass and i need it done now. we'll see, i'm sure everything will get done, i just need more time... i'm like those chickens, i live better on a 25-hour day! wouldn't that be one of the really nice things about colonizing space, having different length days. on some planets, you could go through the light-dark cycle twice in a 'day' period, and on others, it might just be the perfect 26 or 26 hour day schedule. sadly, this is well beyond my little lifetime, but someday my childrens' children (if i ever have any!) may be able to enjoy having those extra hours to sleep or work or play or whatever in.

a bit rambling today, i suppose because i feel as though i should be doing other things, so i'm trying not to think. read an interview with danny strong today, he seems like he has his head screwed on right. i wonder how many people in hollywood actually DO have their heads on straight, it really must be more than we would think or they couldn't be making a living. it's just that the ones who don't make for such better news! greg is getting his sag card, or i suppose got it yesterday. i think it's wonderful, he's finally doing what he wants to do, and i hope he makes it. it's kind of crazy to imagine that someone i'm friends with might actually make it in hollywood. but then, i've known a few who were talented enough. it's just that making it requires more than talent, it takes will and determination, and the ability not to be upset by rejection. i don't think i could handle it, but then, i'd never know unless i tried! i bet every single person in the country has had that thought at one time, the 'i bet i could do that' thought, but none of us actually pack it up and go out there. well, most of us. he's got a lot of guts, greg has. and maybe, if i don't get into the next round of grad schools, i'll take it as a sign and go out and try it. no, i really won't, but deep down i almost wish i would. or could i suppose.

i've actually made some good bone tools, the experiment is not impossible, and i've found a way to make it not a really gross process, which is kind of nice. i'm getting concerned about how i'm going to be able to get all of these tools made and used and analyzed in time to finish a thesis by the middle of next semester, but then i suppose i'll only really be taking a week off at the break, instead of the full month and a half we get. and hopefully, i'll have a paper in at a conference in the spring. it would be nice to be published, definitely, and it would make my chances at grad school better. oh, how i don't want to have to move and sell my house and truck my things away and all of that, and starting out with a new set of people will be difficult. although on the bright side, i might actually meet some single straight men somewhere else! it's an awkward position when the ONLY single eligible straight man i know non-responded when i asked him out!

i suppose i should go and do some work, reading, grading, etc., but oh how i don't want to. maybe i'll make more tools, or possibly declare the weekend a non-productive wasteland and get on with less guilty and thus more satisfying relaxing. or possibly i'll shrink wrap the windows, that's not a bad idea.
forbiddencharm: (Default)
( Nov. 1st, 2003 12:34 pm)
i'm sitting here listening to the students from my roommate's department arguing about something they all agree on, but feel needs clarification somehow. it's prety funny! they suggested four people for some award, and have been discussing them, and what criteria to use to select among them, and whether any of them are at a disadvantage from who turned up to the meeting, and then when a vote was suggested, their theories about who would win and why, before actually taking a vote at all. people are odd!

well, another year come and gone. i haven't learned all i wanted to, nor done all i wanted to, but i've done some things i hadn't expected, and learned some things i hadn't thought of: i'm glad for the people i've met, the things i've done, the places i've gone, and all of the luck i've had. overall, i think i've had a decent year this past one, although of course, i'm hoping this next will be better! it's already off to a good start, as i'm not on crutches, nor do i have a big metal brace on. and of course, i'm having an exciting party tonight!

i had surgery last week, and got all of the metal removed from my ankle, yay! and i can already almost walk without limping, which is pretty exciting. but there are the pain pills. i don't understand why people are so enthused with pain pills, why would anyone ever want to stay on these things permanently? i hate the fuzzy feeling i get from them, i hate the way i can't talk clearly, i can't walk steadily, i can't think like a coherent human beaing. or a coherent monkey to be honest!

in other news, i'm having an extremely angry government week! there are two reasons for this: the first, and the least important, is that it's national protection from porn week. i don't need to be protected from porn, and in fact, i think i should be able to buy it if i want to. so i'm going to go out and do that, even though i actually am not that keen on buying porn, it's never really appealed to me. i just feel that i should be able to, so i'm going to exercise that right. the second, and more important, is the attempt by the republican party to censor my education. House Resolution, H.R. 3077 proposes to allow the establishment of an advisory board which would be able to dictate not only what subjects should be taught in any university that recieves government funding, but also what books should be used and what subjects cannot be discussed. this is appalling, a violation of the first amendment rights of professors, and a violation of the trust of the students, who come to universities to learn the truth, not the subset of that truth that is acceptable to the regime. this is the first step towards commuinism or facism, and i cannot in conscience go along with it: i feel i must do everything in my power to stop it from passing, and if it does pass, i must do everything in my power to disobey it.

it terrifies me that this country, a country founded with such high ideals, a country that i have loved, can become what it is becoming so rapidly, and so without regard for the opinions of the population, or for what is better for the country and for the world. i hate bush with the fiery passion of a thousand suns, and plan to do everything i can to prevent his reelection, but i've been feeling for a while that if he does get reelected, i may need to leave. i don't want to live in a country that not only allows these things to happen but encourages them; i don't even want to be a member in absentia of such a country. how horrible, the government has killed my patriotism.
forbiddencharm: (Default)
( Apr. 17th, 2003 12:56 pm)
an extreme oddness. i was dating a boy, a very nice one, cute and fun and funny and amazingly hobbit-like, all things that i like very much. and at his instigation we had that talk, the kind where we agreed to be just friends, which was not a thing i wanted, and yet, and yet, i'm not upset at all. it doesn't bother me, i don't even feel offended that he obviously didn't find me attractive. and i can't figure out why. it may be because i think he's got an AGF going on, but even that, not really. it could be because i feel good about myself, but that's not really it either, i gained a lot of weight in the time i was laid up with my broken ankle and haven't gotten it back off yet, so while i'm comfortable with me, i'm also aware that i don't look or feel my best. so what is it? ANYway, i think it's all for the best: if i wasn't upset about him wanting to be friends, we couldn't have worked out anyway.

he was so VERY cutely hobbity though, sigh...

now i'll have to go out looking again,
.

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