age

i visited my grandmother over thanksgiving, and we had an interesting conversation. i mean, in my mind, grandma has always been old- i've never thought of her as decrepit or anything, and it's not a judgment, she's just old. she's a grandmother, she has short permed grey hair that she gets set once a week and somehow she sleeps in such a way that it doesn't get messed up, she has wrinkles, she walks slowly and never runs, that's just how she is. we were getting ready to go out and she turned to me and said, "you know, i looked in the mirror a little while ago, and i thought 'i look old'." i didn't know what to say, so i mumbled something like 'oh grandma!' while frantically trying to think of something that wouldn't sound insulting, and she continued "and you know what? i realized, it's because i AM old!" and she laughed and we went off to dinner with everyone else.

it was just an odd moment. i've always felt like me inside- and the me that i've felt like doesn't seem to have changed- even in high school when i wasn't free to act like who i was, i KNEW that, i knew that i was playing a role that wasn't really me. and i've never felt as though i were different at different ages- me in my memories from 3, before my brother was born, is the same in my mind as me right now- i remember thinking about my stuffed animal falling off of the balcony and being lost forever and it's a thought i could have had ten minutes ago (ignoring the fact that i am near neither a stuffed animal nor a balcony of course). so it makes so much sense that i can forget how much the body i'm living in has changed with the passage of all that time. grandma feels just the same now as she did when she was young and vibrant and went out dancing, and it's only when she looks that she realizes she doesn't look like that person anymore.

and i'm sure both of us have changed, everyone changes, only it doesn't feel like it. there are a few moments i remember when i was acting out of character, a few moments of, i don't know, adolescent angst, but otherwise, i feel like i'm the same. i can't feel the changes because i'm too close to them- just like grandma.

and that made me think again about how strange time is. it's strange that grandma used to be young and beautiful and go out dancing and flirt with boys. and she's so much fun now that i know i really would have liked to be friends with her then, but that's not possible, because that's not who she is anymore. and it's strange that some of the kids i will be TAing for this quarter are eventually going to be really interesting people who i would love spending time with, but i'm never going to know them either. we're all trapped in the linearity of time, moving along differently spaced, making the best we can of the time we get to know people.

and how scary must it be, to look in the mirror and realize that you're old, and to have your friends and family start to get older and to die, and to realize that it will be your turn fairly soon? and of course no one really sits around and thinks about that, because that would be a silly thing to do and would result in some bizarre mental health problems. but even just the occasional moment when you look at yourself and know in the depths of your heart that you're going to die, and it's going to be fairly soon, has to be really troubling. or would it be freeing? i think i would definitely sign up for the red hat and purple dress brigade (only heck, i would wear that kind of thing now!)

all of which i suppose is also a reflection on the fact that i've got a big fat old birthday coming up, and i'm not sure how i feel about it!